by Varisha Tariq

(Draft)

16th November 2020

Dear Aaina,

I want to say that the last week was everything I could have asked for in a breakup. It was kind and gentle and there was so much respect from both our ends. I love you with everything I have and it is heartbreaking that our love wasn’t enough to sustain us. Knowing that you and I did this for each other has made it easier.

– Netra

 

(Draft)

23rd November 2020

Dear Aaina,

I know that we ended our relationship by giving each other closure and I know how desperately you wanted our ending to be perfect, but there is anger on my part; anger at what happened at the very end.

I wish we could have remained friends but It’s too difficult to love you in half measure.

– Netra

 

(Draft)

8th December 2020

Dear Aaina,

Can’t you make everything alright? Come back and start again? I don’t know how I am going to write you out of my life. I know our breakup was the right thing but I wish for once the right thing in my life was the thing that would have brought you closer to me.

They say that the first month is the hardest. It’ll be a month in a week. I waited for you but you only showed up in my dreams. Come back, please. I don’t know what I am when I am not in love with you. I don’t think I want to find out.

-Netra

 

(Draft)

25th January 2021

Dear Aaina,

When I first realized I had fallen in love with you, I couldn’t help but think of the magical fate that brought us together. Because you were a girl and I had spent eighteen years of my life waiting to feel all of this for a boy. And in retrospect, it seemed so stupid that I was waiting for a boy. I was waiting for you. Even when we were breaking up, I kept feeling as if we would eventually find our way back to each other.

Will we?

-Netra

 

(Draft)

13th February 2021

Dear Aaina,

My therapist keeps insisting that I write a letter to you about that incident because I am so angry about it some days. I wake up in the middle of the night, feeling like I need to scream.

Your grandfather calling the entire Muslim community terrorists was not a nightmare. As a Muslim, it’s my reality. But you were sitting there mum, Aaina. You told me I was your entire world and at that moment, you watched your grandfather push your entire world into a breakdown and you didn’t say a word. But I am not angry at that. How could I be? You barely speak up for yourself, why would you speak up for me? But then we came back home and I was lying next to you, crying. And without saying a word, you went to sleep right next to me.

I poured four years of my life into someone who couldn’t even hold my hand. How could I not be raging mad about that? I am so angry at myself for loving the wrong person. For continuing to love you, even today. I don’t know how I am ever going to move past this. It’s making me close the door, Aaina. I don’t want to close the door on us. What do I do?

– Netra

 

(Draft)

15th March 2021

Aaina,

I wrote something. Since I can’t share it with you I will just put it here. Some days this is how I feel.

She walked towards the water, slowly and steadily. The waves were pulling her in. There was a sense of urgency in them as if they had been missing her for so long.

She thought of her love. How heartbreaking the past three years had been, with the constant push and pull, until they ended it because the love of her life grew tired of being the love of her life. She thought of all the times she felt she was being tolerated instead of accepted. She thought of the pain she felt at being loved like that.

The sand seemed to slip beneath her feet. She looked at the sunset and she wanted to hold it in her hands. Wouldn’t that be nice? To have the warm vermilion glow in the palm of her hands. She would kiss it gently before taking it with her inside the water. This is where the loneliness of her life had brought her.

Her head had submerged in water. The thought of what existed outside the water was like a coil around her heart. And with every step she took, the coil loosened.

I know. I am hurting so much.

-Netra

 

(Draft)

27th April 2021

Dear Aaina,

I miss you. I dreamt of accidentally calling you and then I was right next to you and it all felt so good. I hope you miss me too. But whatever is meant to be will be. My heart is not ready to believe that it is truly over. How can it be? You were the love of my life.

But my soul knows.
– Netra

 

(Draft)

2nd July 2021

Aaina,

My favorite memory of you is of this really quiet night. I think it was the last week of college and Ramadan had just started. I remember feeling your gaze on me as I prayed. When I finished, I looked up and I saw you. Your gaze held so much intimacy for me that I felt stripped and vulnerable. I remember putting everything away in a hurry because I just wanted to come to bed and wrap myself around you. I felt so safe and loved in your arms. The world had faded away and it was just us. I remember thinking that there was no one who could hold me in their eyes the way you held me.

One year later I sat in front of a phone to tell you how I might be pansexual. We loved each other just the same, Aaina. But at that moment you retreated from me. As if labeling myself made you afraid of my love. Did I lose you in that moment?

– Netra

 

(Draft)

6th August 2021

Aaina,

I keep thinking of that incident that happened with your grandfather. I would have reversed this breakup a hundred times but I couldn’t forgive your cowardice, sleeping while I wept. I didn’t realize then how much I didn’t deserve it. The love of someone’s life shouldn’t make them feel so lonely and miserable but you did.

And this is what has made me let you go.

-Netra

 

(Draft)

10th October 2021

To me,

The fading away is going to be a painful process. You are going to want to undo it many times. Despite the enormous love you had for someone, you chose yourself. I think there is a lot of strength in that. I don’t know who is meant to come into your life, Netra. But I know this; as long as you have you, it will be all okay.

-Netra

 

(Draft)

24th January 2022

To me,

You are smiling these days at the silliest of things, the trees feel greener, and your pictures are brighter. You kiss the breeze as if it were meant just for you. And these days, you are not gasping for breath anymore. They come easy.

You stand in front of the beach and you let the waves touch your feet. You don’t feel like they are calling you in anymore. Instead, they are coming to meet you where you are.

You are with you and you are finally home. Welcome back, my love.

-Netra

 

Photo by Ameen Fahmy on Unsplash